Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Never Wait for Happiness + New Kawaii Lifestyle Blog

It's been a long time... Okay, maybe not that long of time, at least since the last update on my blog. But what I mean is having a full on honest to the heart blog post. 

Today (12/9/13) I decided to delete my angel blog. The blog that I started in 2011 to be my virtual store front of my angel reading business. Since then, after a long painful road, I came to the realization that success is only an arm's length away unless you live it in the present moment. By taking the time to enjoy yourself now, than trying to fix everything in hopes to be happy in the future.

I was obsessed with being successful, which stemmed from my fears that took root about 5-6 years ago. A few months after I got into college in 2007, when the economy decided to blow up, life got difficult. My mom got laid off, money was even tighter and everything just went downhill from there. From that point on, my anxiety about money and survival sky rocketed. I tried to ease them through trying to make any money that I could. Which didn't go well till I got my first job in 2009. And the journey there was the very worst years I've lived through.

Even though a lot of time has passed since, the fears that I had then, at least the core ones, are still in play. The whole "survival and security" thing runs deep in me, given that I'm a Taurus but still... Even before that point I didn't feel 100% safe in childhood and beyond. Upheavals just seem to happen around me and I would withdraw into my inner world for some sort of protection to block it all out...

Now my reaction is to fight, to control and do whatever it takes to "make things better" which oddly enough, didn't do jack shit.

All the effort and time I put into trying to be successful so that I wouldn't be in fear, lack or unhappiness has gained me nothing of what I truly wanted. Of course I don't feel that I wasted time, I learned a lot from my journey. But constantly saying that "next year will be better" when it never gets better forced me to look at the way I've been dealing with life.

I work, try and put too much focus on shit that has yet to happen. Too much time on preparing for the worst case scenario, my fears, hopes and drams. To the point that I never get far in my external world, though my inner world is quite rich. Seeing all the missed opportunities to just be happy in the present moment than wasting time trying to gain security, validation and success is all too much. I won't beat myself up over it though, I was who I was and I did things that I thought was best for me at the time.

To put it simply, I lost myself in the name of trying to gain success because of my own fearful shadows. I tossed some of my favorite past times to the back burner hoping that my hard work would pay off. And let me tell you it hasn't paid off. And I get really pissy about it too. Whatever the hell lead me to think that hard work, blood and tears pays off never took a baby step in my shoes. There are too many things I can mention that was dead wrong in my pursues, and I'm paying for it in the present by not being happy with myself, my life or how I've been living.

That is why I'm starting this new beginning by being as honest and transparent as possible. I feel like my focus on success lead me astray to who I really am and I'm deciding to reverse that. I'm changing my lifestyle, how I go about life. One where I focus on the present moment. Where I focus on being happy now and not live in the future, feel trapped by the past or my insecurities.

And funny enough, this past year I've been guided back home, to what I truly love again but as a different person...

I've been wanting to indulge in my love for drawing, anime, video games, all things kawaii and branding again. Thus I'm dedicating this blog to the "kawaii lifestyle" and branding for small businesses. Not because I want success or any type of result. I want to put into action what I was trying to gain (in essence) for years now. I want to do what I love, loving what I do as I'm doing it. That will forever be the greatest joy of them all because I'm not conditioning my happiness on anything that is out of my control.

In five years comic

If you want to do something that you love, then fucking do it. Don't wait for that shit. 

 Your future self will thank you for it once you gather enough memories of happiness rather than of stress and struggle of trying to "get there."

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